​All hail the King of the Square! The true jewel in the crown of BBC One’s Saturday Night’s programming has returned! We are, of course, talking about The Wall, presented by the tenuously linked, pearly king himself, Lord Danny of Dyer.  
After a recent celebrity special featuring ex footballers John Barnes and Chris Kamara where they signed the worst contract of their lives, their hard guessed answers on Greek Goddesses and Only Fools and Horses catchphrases ended up earning very little for their charity.  But this new series kicked off with a slightly unusual episode.  
 
This week’s couple was Jon and Sam from a place called Castle Black in the frozen North.  After Danny’s opening quip of “Is that somewhere near Cockfosters?” went down very badly with our guests, we knew we were in for a wholly dour affair.  The poor start continued when Jon Snow started smashing up the set when he heard the voice of “The Wall”, Angela Rippon.  Convinced that it was the witchery of the Red Woman, it took Sam and 4 security guards to placate him before they could start the game with Freefall. 
 
After a good round of freefall where the unlikely couple won £23,147, John Snow decides to be the usual grumpy martyr that he always is and take the isolation, walking towards the wall, muttering something about an oath and “taking the black.”  
 

​It proved a controversial move as Sam revealed he was studying to be a grand maester.  “So, you’re a right clever egg then Sammy Boy?” asked our host as he introduced the pairs guests, Danaerys Targaryen and the unusuallu surname less Ygritte and Gilly.   Picking up on the weird love triangle vibe going on, Danny tried to deflect and joke by saying that being called Dany, she must get mistaken for him and how those “mad dragons must do your nut in!” 
 
After nearly 30 seconds of silence, we were back into the game and came up to the all important question about what there was more of at the 2019 Women’s World Cup.  Matches, goals or yellow cards.  Not a sporting man, Sam asked “are women even allowed to do that?” and guessed incorrectly.  
After losing £52,358, their only hope was that Jon hadn’t shredded the guarantee, After he emerged from the Wall brandishing Longclaw and wiping the blade, it became obvious that he and Sam would be taking just £647 back to the fill coffers of Castle Black. 
 
Next week, another celebrity edition graces our screens with feuding public schoolboys David Gilmour and Roger Waters as they try to prove that they really don’t need any education but do need to make an educated guess out of three choices!

Everyone's favourite embarrassing Dad on holiday returned to our screens this week in a new series of the fan's favourite travelogue/cooking show "Rick Stein's Long Weekends."  

As one of the best theme tunes on TV geared up, so did our excitement. Where was the perennial grandfather of BBC cookery going this week?  Somewhere that we'll be told is plausible enough that the every day person could visit in just 72 hours but actually, is far enough away to warrant taking a whole week off.  No, it's not Rick's home of Padstow in Cornwall which i'm sure he rules over with an iron fish slice.  Although, for most of the country, it takes so fucking long to get to Cornwall, a long weekend wouldn't suffice!

No, this week, Rick returned to our screens and took us for a long weekend in the North West passage in the 19th century.  Rick joined the crews of The Terror and Erebus for a long weekend at sea.  

As the panama hat wearing everyman worked his way across the ice, through the madness and mutiny and avoided being eaten by what looked like a Zombie Polar bear, he finally managed to eat something.  After being promised a slap up luncheon by Captain Sir John Franklin (who mysteriously didn't even bother to show up), Rick sat down with the crew to enjoy some food.  After a diatribe on the distinct lack of fresh vegetables, Rick stopped skirting around the subject and asked if the meat he was munching on was locally sourced.  When he found out he was munching on Able Seaman Phillips instead of a delicious, rare rump steak, Rick decided to say his goodbyes and wasn't bothered about hanging around for dessert. 

All in all, not a bad long weekend.  Although, i think his journey home took around 5 months.  Still, can't wait to see where he's off to next weekend! 

(N.B. - it'll probably be Germany,  It's always Germany.  Or fucking Cornwall!)
​



 

After eight LONG weeks, Interior Design Masters of the Universe came to a conclusion last Tuesday.  The remaining contestants Siobhain, Lynsey, Skeletor and Beast Man fought it out for the contract for a chic 5 star hotel in the Lake District.  Skeletor was crowned the eventual winner for his stylish and whimsical design of a Cornish holiday home. 
 
It wasn’t all plain sailing though as the final was steeped in controversy.  The producers are calling it a “simple communication breakdown” when Beast Man thought it was a literal fight to the death and disembowelled 42 year old NHS worker, Siobhain.  After Beast Man’s pleas that he was just hoping to use her entrails to “really tie the flow in with the motif” of his design, the competition was allowed to continue. 
 
It’s been quite the turnaround for the Lord of Snake Mountain after he was also nearly disqualified in week 1 for eviscerating guest judge Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.  He was saved from disqualification though by the elegance of his pelmets and tie backs and Mona was the first to leave the competition.  
 
After his historic win, Skeletor said “I’ll head back home where, after some celebratory village desecration of the remaining inhabitants of Eternia, I intend to redesign the dungeon of Snake Mountain as my home office and get to work on my plans for this B and B in the Lake District.  Then, I’ll attempt to capture Castle Grayskull…. again.” 
 
When asked what colour palette he was intending to use in the hotel contract, he said “I shall paste the walls with the blood and the rotting flesh of my enemies.  And probably use teal.  Everybody loves teal.”

DISCLAIMER: It won't all be like this.  It really won't.  

2020. For many, a year to forget.  Which is really convenient as for every day of it, i felt like i forgot everything!
Each morning, i would drag myself out of bed and wonder how i was going to face this day.  The same as yesterday.  Millions of us did.  I'll be honest, having an overexcited puppy to entertain and keep alive each day was a real highlight.  I'd definitely recommend it.  Thankfully, i didn't have to do all that on my own though.  If so, i'm not sure i could guarantee that that puppy would still be with us. So we're all clear though, she very much is still with us and is currently sitting on this very keyboard, being a lovable pain in the arse. 

We all found that our life had been put on pause (sorry) in one way or another.  For me, it felt like i was actually able to stop for the first time in years. I kind of welcomed it at first.  All of us with busy lives (that's all of us then!) probably did! But now, nearly a year later, things are still on pause.  I'm still sitting on the sofa.  I'm still wondering what i'm going to do with the vast expanse of time i've been "gifted".  So, no surprises, i've watched A LOT of TV!

And, of course, i still am. So, i thought i should probably try and do something with it.  Something that isn't just glibly saying "Well, that was alright" before Netflix can immediately start the next episode of whatever it is  we've chosen to watch.

And that is exactly why i'm here today.  I'm sorry, i can't tell you why you're here.  That's something that only you can answer.  Although, if this is a failed google search for self help therapy or a day spa, you are very definitely not in the right place.  Search engine optimisation has failed you. 

I don't really know what this will become or even what i'm going to be doing on here.  However, after lots of continued soul searching on what the future might hold for me and what skills i might be able to use in the future, 2020 taught me that after 35 years, i still bloody love TV!