All hail the King of the Square! The true jewel in the crown of BBC One’s Saturday Night’s programming has returned! We are, of course, talking about The Wall, presented by the tenuously linked, pearly king himself, Lord Danny of Dyer. After a recent celebrity special featuring ex footballers John Barnes and Chris Kamara where they signed the worst contract of their lives, their hard guessed answers on Greek Goddesses and Only Fools and Horses catchphrases ended up earning very little for their charity. But this new series kicked off with a slightly unusual episode. This week’s couple was Jon and Sam from a place called Castle Black in the frozen North. After Danny’s opening quip of “Is that somewhere near Cockfosters?” went down very badly with our guests, we knew we were in for a wholly dour affair. The poor start continued when Jon Snow started smashing up the set when he heard the voice of “The Wall”, Angela Rippon. Convinced that it was the witchery of the Red Woman, it took Sam and 4 security guards to placate him before they could start the game with Freefall. After a good round of freefall where the unlikely couple won £23,147, John Snow decides to be the usual grumpy martyr that he always is and take the isolation, walking towards the wall, muttering something about an oath and “taking the black.” It proved a controversial move as Sam revealed he was studying to be a grand maester. “So, you’re a right clever egg then Sammy Boy?” asked our host as he introduced the pairs guests, Danaerys Targaryen and the unusuallu surname less Ygritte and Gilly. Picking up on the weird love triangle vibe going on, Danny tried to deflect and joke by saying that being called Dany, she must get mistaken for him and how those “mad dragons must do your nut in!”
After nearly 30 seconds of silence, we were back into the game and came up to the all important question about what there was more of at the 2019 Women’s World Cup. Matches, goals or yellow cards. Not a sporting man, Sam asked “are women even allowed to do that?” and guessed incorrectly. After losing £52,358, their only hope was that Jon hadn’t shredded the guarantee, After he emerged from the Wall brandishing Longclaw and wiping the blade, it became obvious that he and Sam would be taking just £647 back to the fill coffers of Castle Black. Next week, another celebrity edition graces our screens with feuding public schoolboys David Gilmour and Roger Waters as they try to prove that they really don’t need any education but do need to make an educated guess out of three choices!
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"Television is like the invention of indoor plumbing. It didn't change people's habits. It just kept them inside the house." Archives
May 2022
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