Nick Know-les Nothing

Dear Sir, 
I am writing to express my extreme displeasure regarding what I was forced to witness on my screen this week on BBC One (Monday 15th February).  As an upstanding member of society, I love nothing more than tuning in to the BBC’s flagship entertainment programme The One Show.  But on this occasion, I was left appalled at what I witnessed.  
 
Firstly, this show is doing an incredible disservice to it’s perennial presenter Alex Jones by making her present alongside some footballer.  Not only that, a youthful looking one! This isn’t Match of a Day.  Although, I’m sure Alex Jones would do a much finer job than Barry Lineker when trying to quiz Alan Shearer and Ian Wright on the finer points of West Brom vs Wolves. 
 
I was further angered by the appearance of Nick Knowles on a large screen direct from his home.  As a sort of bricks and mortar philanthropist, Nick Knowles has done some great work helping communities with building projects and design input.  But after seeing in to his home via Zoom, I was left horrified.  How can the BBC knowingly send this monster in to the properties of the poor and disadvantaged of society when he lives in the new build equivalent of the Argos catalogue?  Doesn’t he have a separate Water Closet with a medieval colour scheme that he can conduct Zoom interviews from like Matt Hancock?  
 
We must stop this monster before he does anymore damage to peoples interiors!  He’ll be insisting on the mantra “Live, Laugh, Love” being emblazoned in every room if he’s allowed to continue!  He didn’t even have the good grace to load up a fake background of one of the many fine builds he has done in the past.  Instead, we are compelled to view the squalor he lives in.  I bet he has a selection of carriage clocks just out of shot. 
 
I can think of no more fitting a judgement than to fire him immediately and close all doors to him at the BBC.  Maybe Channel 5 will have him, I don’t know but I would be surprised.  Farewell Nick and may you never sully my screen again. Although, if you’re free, my spare bedroom does need painting.  
 
Yours furiously, 
 
Dr Matthew Q. Solly.